Monday 1/11

Gah. Secondary plots! Thank goodness for Greggie, or I might have fallen asleep today. The Greasy Glittery One plots and plans about sending Cruella away, unsuccessfully trying to convince Smurf that it would be a good thing to do. Spawn, meanwhile, lurks beneath the furniture. He's rather rashly offered Tiff a place to stay, as her shed is being torn down and she's squeaking and squawking about it to all and sundry. You'd think she'd be pleased that it's being torn down, given that she's done nothing but moan about it since she moved in, rather ungratefully. I've lived in worse places than that shed, and I've never been homeless! Anyway - she moves in with Spawn, secretly, so as not to wind up Greggie any more than usual. She doesn't like having to live in secret, and Mark tries to persuade her that Spawn is ashamed of her, but she moves in anyway. Not that anybody particularly cares.

Elsewhere Casey is being tested on his CPR skills, in order to prove that he's still safe to be a lifeguard. He's being tested by Martial Law. They flirt. They argue. Nothing happens. Nobody cares. At the same time Gobby is meeting Elaine, and finding out that Paula was being kidnapped whilst she was distracting Thickardo. She successfully looks guilty, something that she never manages again whatever her various crimes. Thickardo is battling with the FBI, meanwhile, who have decided that he's behind Paula's kidnapping. He gets cross with them for the false accusations, and goes off all in a huff. Now you know how Ben feels, Thickardo. Although admittedly Ben usually is guilty of something.

And Paula is still being held by the increasingly mad Mad Ralph, who's developed a nasty stutter whenever his mother filters into the conversation. He's decided that he and Paula have to get married, and even decorates a nice camper van for the occasion. None of his efforts are particularly appreciated by Whimpering Paula Of The Fluctuating Accent, though. Damn. I was trying to find her a shorter nickname, and now it seems to have grown instead. Anyway, she attempts to draw attention to her plight by throwing her engagement ring through a window. Quite what this is supposed to achieve I don't know, but Tiff goes off with it, anyway. Ordinarily I'd laugh, as my complete lack of interest in Paula's fate prevents me from giving a damn about what happens to her, but frankly this plot is now so boring that I just want her out of that bloody warehouse! Kidnappings should be left to Ben and Derek. They do it properly. Somebody rescue Paula, damn it!

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Tuesday 2/11

*Bangs head against wall* Paula and Ralph, Ralph and Paula. Seriously, who gives a damn.

Bubblewrap is worried about Michael. Michael is worried about his past. He had a life before Sunset Beach, and doesn't want anybody to know about it. Michael, your life before Sunset Beach brings Virginia into the picture. She's the only decent storyline you get for the next three years. Don't hide from it. But hide from it he does, as he grouses and grumbles and mopes. Bungalow worries. I think we should get together to buy Michael and Casey some shirts.

Smeg realises that the ring Tiff found belongs to Paula. Tiff and Mark take it to the police station, where Eddie fails to do anything useful. He's too busy talking to himself, worrying that Mad Ralph will spill the beans about who is to blame for all of this. Not sure why Mad Ralph would want to implicate Aaron Spelling, but never mind that now. Thickardo turns up in time to hear where the ring was found, and he and Eddie race off full of high hopes that have little hope of coming to fruition. Meanwhile Paula decks Mad Ralph and grabs his keys, but anybody who really believes that this is the break she's been waiting for has clearly never watched Sunset Beach before.

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Wednesday 3/11

Paula boffs Mad Ralph again and tries to open the door, but her finely honed policing skills don't stretch to allowing her unlock anything. Next we see her she's tied up in Mad Ralph's mad wedding van, and is being slowly gassed with something that definitely isn't car exhaust. Meanwhile Thickardo and Eddie find Mad Ralph in his Mad Lair, and Eddie shoots him before he can talk. Mad Ralph might be dead or might not, but he still finds time to be mad in the meantime. He giggles about how Paula's dead, and Eddie doesn't try very hard not to look relieved. Off the pair of them race to interrogate Tiff again, and she tells them about Mad Ralph's van, so they head out to search for any suspicious flower power vehicles lurking with intent. Whimpering Paula slowly suffocates, but in the process inflicts many romantic flashbacks upon the poor viewer. Really, I do not need to see semi-naked Thickardo that often.

At Ben's place TGO has taken advantage of his two days off to nip up to the wardrobe department and find some clothing that isn't black. Yep, he's having one of his forays into colour. Today it's blue. Remember that ghastly green shirt he wore once?! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Stick to black, Ben. Collagen is still worried that she killed her father, but TGO gets her to remember everything, and they eventually work out that she just found him already dead. She didn't kill him! This is good for two reasons; one, because it means no more squawking about how Collagen may be a killer, and two, because in the process of getting Annie to remember, Ben snapped at Smeg twice. See sense, Ben. You can escape her this time around! Annie yet again wanders around in front of the massive windows by the beach (ever notice how much they don't match the exteriors?!) and Tight Pants Tim sees her. Hooray! He wanders off for a stroll on the beach to decide if he's going to tell Greggie or not, but he can't decide, as he doesn't want to make Smeg hate him. Aw.

And at Ben's place (again), TGO goes off for one of his many convenient phone calls, leaving Collagen and Bette alone. Bette tells Annie about the Deschanel Jewels, that should have been in Dead Boy's possession when he died. Since Cruella has no idea where they are, they realise that she can't have been the killer after all. Collagen's all for telling Ben, but Bette thinks that they should keep it to themselves so that Annie can keep the jewels if they find them. Yeah, 'cause Ben's likely to try to stop her. Collagen tries to tell Ben anyway, but Bette fakes a fainting spell to stop her. For Pete's sake, Bette! Do you want your brother's murder solved or not! *Sigh*...

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Thursday 4/11

Thickardo and Eddie find Paula, who has stopped breathing, but is impressively clear of certain other symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning. Apparently the make up budget didn't stretch to some cherry red paint. Thickardo gives her mouth to mouth, and eventually she starts breathing again. Even Eddie is relieved, although he's still afraid that she might know he was behind her kidnapping. They race her off to hospital, where her heart stops briefly, and Doctor Martial Law gives her "It's serious" speech. Doctor Martial Law has been serious all episode though, as her lie to her parents about being married to Casey has led to her grandmother sending her the family heirloom. She feels all guilty, and continues to keep Casey at arm's length.

Greggie is planning to send Cruella to the Home For Wayward Wives, where she will be cured of her habit of leaping into bed with young men, and of routinely drinking more alcohol than the entire population of several former Soviet states. She assures him that she'll be very good from now on, before going off to have sex with Cole again. They still don't know each other's names, which is just getting daft now. Cole is moving his operations up a gear, and has started asking Elaine some more direct questions. Whether or not he knows or suspects she's his mother isn't clear, but he's getting that intense look that soap characters get when they have to show the audience that they're thinking hard about something. The 'John Black' look, as it's come to be known, especially when accompanied by furrowed brow.

Annie and Ben worry over the fainted Aunt Bette, until Ben goes off for some water, and Bette reveals to Annie that it was all a scam to stop her talking about the Deschanel Jewels. TGO later lets on to Annie that he knows it was all an act, but he's happy to let them scam. He goes off to work. Collagen tries to get some straight answers out of Bette, which is rather like getting blood out of a stone, but all that Bette will say is that there are secrets involved with the jewels that are best kept, and that her life could be on the line. Collagen persists, but Bette for now stays firm. Which is what Tight Pants isn't, as over at the JavaWeb he completely fails to tell Smeg that he knows about Annie being alive, which is the whole point of him talking to her. He goes and mopes in a corner instead, which is where Greggie finds him when he comes in shortly afterwards. After watching TGO and Smeg's now obligatory "No honestly, Greggie, we are lovers" act with an expression of increasing disbelief, Greggie realises that Tight Pants knows something. He wants to know what it is, but Tight Pants just mopes. He wants his Smeggie back. Try dressing entirely in black and brooding a lot, Tim. Might work.

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Friday 5/11

Paula wakes up in hospital, and everybody cuddles her. Thickardo cuddles and fusses, and fusses and cuddles, and generally shows all sorts of favouritism. Honestly, Paula spends a week or so sellotaped up in a warehouse, and she gets cuddles. Ben spends several months chained up in a warehouse, and he gets arrested. Didn't cuddle him, did you Thickardo. Anyway, Paula whimpers a bit, and everybody cuddles her some more. She doesn't seem to know anything about Eddie having been the one who kidnapped her, so he stops looming with a hint of danger, and looms with a hint of jealousy instead. Now he doesn't have to kill her anymore, he's decided to go back to fancying her instead, and wishing she wasn't about to marry Thickardo. Do make your mind up, Eddie!

Olivia has another tryst with Cole, though it's an odd one. After arranging to meet Greggie in half an hour, she then takes a taxi home, gets changed, put on all her jewels, goes to a motel, hires a room, gets into bed, and then plans to have sex with Cole, all before she has to meet Greggie. Doesn't say much for Cole. Anyway, she challenges Dimples about his relationship with AJ, and they talk about the Deschanel Jewels, which are exactly what currently bother Bette. She's unable to persuade Collagen that it's not a good idea to tell all to Ben, and so dashes off to meet Cruella to plan a little damage limitation. Elaine mustn't know! Nobody must find out! Argh, the Mad Hair Flashbacks around Armando's grave! Much glaring ensues, and numerous dramatic intakes of breath. The International Drama Queen Convention has its annual meet in Sunset Beach once again.

And at the JavaWeb TGO and Smeg continue their pretence at being a couple, whilst Greggie lounges disbelievingly in a corner, trying to persuade Tight Pants to tell what he's discovered. Tight Pants wavers and hums and haws, so Greggie tells him about Maria, and her mysterious death, and how everybody in Sunset Beach thinks Ben killed her. Tim fears for Smeg, though he is a bear of very little brain, and is still having trouble making everything compute. TGO and Smeg go for a wander along the beach, and Collagen overhears Ben call her a drama queen. She pouts, and decides not to tell him about the jewels after all. TGO is coming to his own conclusions though, and has decided that there's more to the murder than any of them have yet realised. Smeg tells him how alike she and he are, which is hilarious. Huh? Alike in what way exactly?! He nods quietly, though, and broods about Maria. And there we leave them all for the weekend, watching yet another sunset. I'm sure they have more than one of them per day...

**********

Monday 8/11

Fun and games all over the place today. We open with Bette and Cruella discussing Dimples, and finally admitting that he must be Elaine's son. They've now decided that it's AJ he's the spitting image of though, rather than Armand. Which is understandable, since he had a different head when he looked like Armand. Anyway, they decide that it's time they told Elaine she has a son, whom they at some point nicked. For some as yet unexplained reason. Bored? Misplaced him during hide and seek? Who knows? Anyhow, they race off to the hospital, where Elaine is sitting with Whimpering Paula Of The Fluctuating Accent, and are eager to tell all. They chicken out, though, when she starts ranting and raving about kidnappers. Meanwhile also at the hospital, Mad Eddie twitches, and Gobby gets in everybody's way. Bungalow floats about the place, worrying desperately about Paula, even though he's never had any scenes with her before, and he and Martial Law have one of their Nearly A Couple moments.

Tight Pants Tim has decided that it's time to tell all to Greggie. He arranges a deal that, when he's spilled the beans, Greggie will take TGO down, but let Smeg walk free. Greggie even agrees to have Smeg fall in love with Tight Pants again, which is impressive. Greggie, you are a man of many talents - including sorcerery, apparently. Anyway, Tight Pants tells him that Collagen is still alive, and Greggie is delighted. This is even better than he was hoping, and warrants an evil chuckle. He skips off (well, probably not) to get an evil minion to tap into Ben's security cameras, so that he can watch and see what happens, but Collagen stays resolutely off camera. Greggie goes to visit Ben instead, and they sprawl on the sofa together, flirting outrageously. Well... it's what it looked like to me. Annie hides behind a pillar and quivers. Possibly she's worried that Ben will swoon to Greggie's charms and tell him all, or possibly she's thinking that she'd like to join in, but... no. Not going there.

Over at The Deep, Smurf and Mark are doing the Lambada (Daytime Soap Version) in an attempt to get Dimples jealous. It works. He and Smurf wind up arguing together, without really saying anything at all. Also failing to say anything of use is Martial Law, back at the hospial. Thickardo asks her if Paula was raped, but Martial Law decides it would be much better if she waited until tomorrow to answer his question, and just stares and raises her eyebrows, and makes odd faces in the meantime. Possibly this is standard practice in hospitals. Anyway, we leave her and her eyebrow-wiggling, as we fade into the ever lengthening credits. They were hilariously long today.

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Tuesday 9/11

We rejoin the Beach with Martial Law still waggling her eyebrows, and Caitlin still scowling at Cole. Martial Law finally tells Thickardo that Paula wasn't raped, but that she'll be suffering annoying flashbacks for the next month instead. This theory Paula sets about proving with enthusiasm, gasping, squeaking and thrashing about in her bed every five minutes. Humph. Never saw Ben doing that. Yes, I know, enough with the kidnapping one-upmanship. Meanwhile over at the Deep, Caitlin stops scowling at Cole, and swans off home. Dimples then walks out on Cruella, who lurks unexpectedly in a dark corner, and Cruella wanders home as dejected as her daughter. They cry on each other's shoulders about people they love who don't love them back. And speaking of Gregory...

Greggie is still alternately flirting with and threatening Ben. It's getting harder and harder to tell if they're going to wind up kissing or fighting, but eventually Greggie leaves, after warning TGO to drop the Del Douglas business or else. Glittery eyes, wolfish smile, dramatic pauses - he really does mean business! After he's gone, Ben and Annie go into investigative overdrive, figuring that Greggie suspects Annie is still alive. They want to make their move before he makes his. Bette walks in on them, and immediately starts talking about the Deschanel jewels, assuming that Collagen told all to TGO - which of course she didn't. TGO doesn't think Greggie has them though - he figures somebody else stole them after the murder, which of course is true. He doesn't care, though - he just wants to prove Annie innocent, and to hell with all the rest. He'll have to get his skates on though, for Greggie now has a security camera tape of Annie and Ben, and he has all kinds of evil plans for it. Oh good.

And then suddenly it's morning. Martial Law lurks in sunny places to watch Bungalow on his morning jog; Thickardo takes Paula home from the hospital, so she can have her squeaky gaspy flashbacks in the comfort of her own living room; and Smeg has turned up to do Ben's laundry. Because she likes the noise that the machine makes, apparently. Ben... need I remind you that you could still choose Annie?! Collagen is inspiringly bitchy, and Smeg wilts and looks all wounded. Huh. You're not fooling anybody with the innocent act, Meg! Down the stairs comes TGO, who's changed out of his blue shirt and is back to black, but sadly is now wearing fawn trousers. Ben, stop with the colour experiments, please! I thought we agreed on this in 1997. He grins at the bitchiness, then goes off to work with Smeg. And once again, Ben - there's still time! Switch to Annie, damn it! Anyway, across town Greggie shows the security tape proving that Collagen is alive to Mad Eddie, and tells him that they have work to do. Eddie looks madder than ever. And that's pretty mad, 'cause he's Mad Eddie. Apparently now Madder Eddie Still...

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Wedneday 10/11

Paula and Thickardo are being the Flashback Twins. Every piece of furniture she looks at sets Paula off into thoughts of her time with Mad Ralph, whilst every time it happens, Thickardo has flashbacks of being partially seduced by Gobby, which is what made him late home and gave Paula time to be kidnapped. Thickardo is feeling Guilty. Martial Law wants the pair of them to get counselling, but Paula wants to be strong, to help Thickardo get through this. Okay, whatever. Gobby looms in odd places, and later goes bonkers sticking pictures of Paula in a scrapbook, and making crank phonecalls to wind her up. Life is never dull in Sunset Beach, is it, even for the minor characters!

And speaking of minor characters, Tiff is still sulking about having to live at Casa Richards on the quiet. Okay, so am I the only one who thinks it's cool to live secretly in a big mansion full of people?! Sneaking down back stairs, and slipping in and out of windows. Wise up, Tiff. Play secret agents, like the rest of us would in your situation. But she moans on, anyway, and flirts with Mark in her moodiness. Spawn catches them and sulks. Also sulking is Collagen, who wants to go out and play with Ben. She goes searching through a cupboard and finds one of Maria's old wigs - then dressed up in some old clothes of Smeg's, she goes outside, hoping that she's disguised well enough for nobody to notice her. Annie doing a Meg impersonation. Glorious. It's lucky that she slipped out when she did, anyway, as Greggie has detailed Eddie to search TGO's place for signs of She Who Is Not Dead, and of course he finds nothing. Mainly because by now Collagen is at the JavaWeb, very much enjoying being manhandled by Ben. Greggie stops by for another quick flirt with the Prince of Darkness, then goes off to find another evil minion to add to the mix. He has more plans afoot. They involve wolfish smiles and steepling of fingers, so you know they've got to be good.

And Smeg goes to a barbecue at Surf Central, being thrown by Bungalow, Bubblewrap and Mark. She looks shifty and nervous, and makes excuses for why Ben's not there. Er... because the last thing a lone wolf like Ben wants is to spend the afternoon with Sunset Beach's Manic Cheer Brigade?! Ben is currently wrestling Collagen home, anyway, with her still in her oh-so-convincing Meg Disguise. Eddie sees them, and begins to suspect. He grins, madly. Mind you, so did I when I first saw the Meg Disguise. It practically deserves its own spin off series. Eddie grins us into the credits, anyway, with a Mad Look in his eye. I think he's found a new hobby.

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Thursday 11/11

Ben needs to stop shouting at Annie for making him late for the Surf Central Barbecue, and start thanking her for it. Can you see Ben leaping around playing volleyball with that lot?! There's more laughing going on in one five minute scene than we got from Ben in three years. Be very thankful, Ben. Anyway, at the barbecue, Smeg mopes whilst Mark worries about TGO not being good for her. Yes, Mark. He's dangerous. We get it already. Vanessa mopes because her Jo-Jo story has been pulled from the paper at the last minute (by Greggie's evil minion from the end of yesterday's episode), and Michael mopes about his non-existent shady past. Vanessa then has a monologue which I think was about the state of her relationship with Michael, but I wasn't listening. Sorry.

Paula is jumpy. To try to make her feel better, Thickardo starts kissing her, but freezes when he gets to the tattoo that Mad Ralph put on her chest. Oh way to go Thickardo. Make her feel even worse why don't you. What would happen if Marlena froze like that every time John takes off his shirt?! Anyway, he offers to make her feel better by going off and leaving her alone in the house whilst he tracks down some food. She quivers and worries and panics, but mercifully doesn't torment us with any more flashbacks. Oddly it's dark outside her place, despite being sunny still in the rest of town, but it's best not to think too much about these things. Thickardo meanwhile has encountered Gobby whilst on his search for food. She flirts manically, and he does his "bunny in the headlights" impersonation. 'Cause that's not going to make anybody suspicious...

And Eddie has followed TGO and Collagen back to TGO's place, where he realises eventually that it really is Annie with Ben. He waits until Ben has gone off to the barbecue, then sneaks into the house and wanders around trying to find Annie. She's too quick for him though, and has already snuck out round the back. TGO, who is getting some very interesting ideas from listening to Vanessa's unprinted newspaper article, is back in investigative mode. He goes home, sadly with Smeg at his heels, only to find Eddie standing in his house, holding a gun. TGO isn't best pleased. Frankly if he's going to come home to find a tall, dark man waiting in his house he'd much prefer it to be Gregory. Caught red-handed, Eddie manages the remarkable feat of glaring, gloating and looking guilty all at once. Nobody says much, though. They just stare at each other until the credits start.

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Friday 12/11

Michael goes to visit Virginia! Hooray! Nothing happens yet, and we haven't been introduced to her yet, but still - Virginia! Hooray! Bubblewrap follows him there, and glares jealously from down the end of the corridor, but then Bubblewrap has had issues all day. So's Martial Law. Despite she and Casey, and Bubblewrap and Michael, not actually even being couples yet, the girls still want to know every single secret that the guys have ever had ever. "But why won't you tell me the inner secrets of your relationship with your father, Casey?"; "But why won't you tell me every single secret of the past that you want to leave behind, Michael?" They argue. Bungalow tries to cure them of their nosiness. He fails. Go get Meg instead, Case.

Paula twitches and has more flashbacks, and trembles and whimpers and has yet more flashbacks. Eventually Thickardo comes home, and she nearly shoots him when she mistakes him for Mad Ralph. Hang on - how did Thickardo get in?! The chain was on the door! They snuggle, and he tries to make her feel better, whilst elsewhere Gobby smirks and giggles and rubs her hands together as she thinks of all her evil plans. How does nobody notices that mad leer every time Paula or Thickardo is mentioned to her?! She goes off and smirks over her scrapbook of Paula Pictures for a bit, then goes round to their house for a visit. Thickardo looks so guilty when he opens the door that he might just as well have "This Woman Was Kissing Me Whilst You Were Being Kidnapped, Paula" stamped upon his head.

And speaking of guilty, Eddie is failing in his attempts to convince TGO that he broke into the house because he saw a prowler. He tries his "I'm More Macho Than You" stare, to see if this distracts Ben from his suspicions, but it doesn't work. TGO tells him to get lost, and they posture for a bit, talking about who's the biggest liar, and who has the most to hide. Eventually Eddie goes away. Annie has slipped next door to her house, where Bette tries to get her to stay for a bit whilst Ben thinks up what to do next, but Collagen runs off to Eddie's place instead, where she eventually finds Dead Boy's money and the Deschanel Jewels. Eddie, meanwhile, reports back to Greggie about having lost Annie again, but Greggie has overheard Cruella and Bette talking and now knows about the jewels. He's mightily pissed off. Throwing Eddie about, he shouts about how he hired him to kill Del, not to go stealing all his assets. Eddie quails. The music goes all dramatic. The credits roll. And roll. And are, quite possibly, still rolling. I don't know, I left them to it after the first five minutes or so.

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Monday 15/11

Random thought for the day: Casey really needs to be superglued to his shirt. Anyway. It's St Patrick's Day in Beach Land, and sadly the cast are celebrating with gusto. This means bad hats, and worse accents. Bungalow is finally making headway with Martial Law, though, and actually gets a kiss. Great. Now maybe we can move on to something a little more interesting, Case? Mark worries over Smeg, who seems to be pining, and TGO announces, far too loudly given what a secret it's all meant to be, that he no longer cares where Collagen is. She is, of course, hiding within earshot, and pouts. Then pouts some more when TGO and Smeg keep nearly having their first proper kiss. Fortunately they keep being interrupted.

Gobby is getting ever more psycho. She visits with Thickardo and Paula, being very annoying and friendly, and constantly almost telling Paula about her non-affair with Thickardo the night of the kidnap. Thickardo frets and worries, and keeps trying to throw her out of the door, all to no avail. Eventually he manages to get rid of her, only to find that she bounces better than a tennis ball, having neatly sabotaged her own car. This allows her more "getting to know Paula" time, in which to plot, giggle, rub her hands together, and practice her manic look. She winds up her evening by ripping up a picture of Thickardo and Paula, then heads off, chuckling, into the SB night.

At Casa Richards, meanwhile, Eddie is getting chewed out by Greggie. Between them they do a nice précis of the plot, for those of us who haven't been paying attention. Greggie talks about the secret business deal he had with Dead Boy (the mysterious Liberty Corporation) which is his reason for wanting Eddie to kill Del. The plan was then to frame Annie, and then get her off on a technicality, but events conspired to swamp them all. Eddie claims that, whatever Greggie thinks, he didn't kill Del. He went to the hotel to do the job, but Dead Boy was already dead. Greggie fumes and glowers and demands the jewels, but Eddie pretends not to know anything about them. They threaten and counter-threaten each other, then Eddie goes home and finds that the jewels have gone. Not surprisingly, since Collagen has them at the Deep, where her attempts to hand them to Ben have been constantly thwarted by employees, Smeg, noises, falling chairs, and almost kisses. Suddenly in storms Greggie, demanding answers from Ben. They glower, they glare - they still look like they're flirting. TGO lets Greggie know that he's onto him about the Liberty Corporation, and then they glower some more. Eventually Greggie leaves, and TGO runs after him. Well, okay, just leaves as well, but remarkably enthusiastically, and with a definite spring in his step. Meanwhile Smeg finds the briefcase full of jewels, and goes off to stow it in Lost Property, whilst Collagen squeaks and looks distraught. Musical Briefcases. A new game for all the family.

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Tuesday 16/11

Random thought for the day: Sam Behrens is scarily good at pretending to sneeze. Not that that's of immediate importance. We begin the day with Bubblewrap, looking up information about something on the internet, and pretending that she's not feeling let down by Michael. There could be one hundred and one reasons why he was hugging Virginia, but she's jumped on the 'betrayal' one, and acts like a jealous idiot until finally he takes her to visit the Oh So Mad One (who is currently being Oh So Not Mad, but it can't last ). Virginia introduces Bubblewrap to her son Jimmy, and Michael looks all "Told You So". Told You What I don't know, but he looks smug, anyway.

Tiff loses Spike. Spike leaves his hair all over the house. Greggie sneezes violently. Spawn finds Spike, Exhaling Oh-livia finds Tiff. There is arguing. There is pouting. There is sighing and huffing and attempted blackmailing. But Tiff gets to stay, if only because Cruella knows that Greggie really hates her.

And so to Greggie. Greggie and Eddie. Eddie threatens Greggie, and Greggie threatens Eddie. They both want the briefcase, but it now languishes in Ben's Lost And Found box at the Deep. They both suspect that either Ben or Annie have the briefcase, but the problem is how to get it back. They decide that the best way to do this is to glower at each other, for much of the rest of the episode. Meanwhile Collagen phones home, wanting TGO to come and help her. She can only raise Aunt Bette, and asks to come home. Bette encourages this happily, since "Nobody will see you!" But as soon as she's hung up, the doorbell rings. It's Greggie. And he's smiling. Oh dear.

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Wednesday 17/11

Yawn. Okay. Bubblewrap meet Virginia. Virginia meet Bubblewrap. In months to come, one of you will go bananas, and there will be glue, make up, breakfast cereal and items of culinary equipment involved. The other will sit in a corner and smile sweetly. Jimmy Mk I is lifeless, and Michael struggles manfully with a bad script to tell The Demise of Jimmy's Father, or one version of it anyway. I'm sure it changed later.

Elsewhere in Sunset Beach, Spawn argues with Greggie about Tiff, Mark tries to drown his sorrows in Smurf, Annie squeaks and twitches, and Bette and Greggie play "Soap Professionals", a litle game where they show up most of the rest of the cast just by being there. Oh, and Martial Law continues to flirt with her ex-fiancé Wei Li, who I first thought was called Wei Lin, which would have been much more entertaining. Then he'd have been a transvestite, presumably, and also the coolest Bond Girl ever. Bungalow mopes, Eddie grins, Greggie schemes, and the cast continue to play Musical Briefcases. Wind it up and let it go, and where it stops... nobody gives a damn.

Oh well, it could be worse. At least we were spared Paula's flashbacks.

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Thursday 18/11

Okay, that was weird. Maybe we could have our missing episode back sometime, Channel 5?!

Gobby is telling Paula that they're sisters. After abandoning Elaine, Paula's father re-married and had Gobby, then recently did another runner. Gobby clearly doesn't like him. Paula is alternately delighted and confused. Thickardo is glowery, until Gobby says she won't tell about their 'encounter'. And yes, we get to see it all over again. Lucky us...

Cruella has gone bonkers, and puts in possibly her most over the top performance yet. She rants, she rails, she cries, she drinks. She calls Dimples, determined to come clean over whatever happened all those years ago, involving Elaine's baby son being taken away. She wants to tell him the truth, but he's having some kind of reconciliation on the beach with Smurf. It's a wonderful comedy moment, as they're attempting to have a meaningful conversation during a force 10 gale. Eventually the cameraman gets blown away, following the microphone, which blew away at the start of the conversation. They communicate with sign language instead. Apparently all is forgiven. Smurf gets blown away too, so Cole stays behind to talk to Cruella for a bit on the phone. Hopefully she can hear him, in between the shrieks of fellow walkers as they get hurled about the beach by the wind.

TGO now has the briefcase in his safe and Collagen back in his house, and everything is fine and dandy between them again. They've clearly been putting their two and twos together during "The Episode That Five Stole", and have decided that Eddie is now Chief Suspect. Ben decides to phone Smeg at The Deep, to warn her that Eddie may come by there looking for the briefcase. Sadly (or happily, depending on how much you enjoy seeing Smeg get tormented ) Eddie is already there. He sees that Smeg now suspects him of something, and kidnaps her. Calling TGO he tells him to bring the briefcase to the beach in an hour, alone, or he won't see Smeg again. Ben agrees, much to Annie's (and my) chagrin. TGO gets the Line Of The Week here when, in the middle of a serious conversation about lives, jewels and murderers, he points at Annie and says "And don't pout!" Which for some reason is hilarious. Sorry. I'll get my sense of humour transplant tomorrow. TGO races out, and Eddie takes a squeaking, whimpering Smeg to the beach ready for the trade, telling her that he's not the killer, and that she can't go to the police about any of this anyway, or she and TGO will go to jail forever and ever and ever. Smeg whimpers a bit more. She asks Eddie how he can do something like this. Because he's Mad Eddie! Daft woman. Then she whimpers a bit more. She's distressed. Maybe she'll go back to Kansas now.

**********

Friday 19/11

**********

Monday 22/11

Cruella's whimpering and wailing on the telephone causes Dimples to go running off to meet her, afraid that she's about to do something stupid. Sadly Smurf is waiting for him at the strangely wooden sounding grotto, and his non-arrival causes her to do some whimpering and wailing of her own. She decides that he's betrayed her again, and cries in the arms of Tim. Dimples, meanwhile, clambers noisily through Cruella's bedroom window, and finds her crying in the bathroom. One of the bathrooms; not the same one he hid in last time. Her bedroom has a lot of en suites. Anyway, he consoles her, but she's fired up with desperation to tell him all about who he is, who his mother is, what happened when he was a baby, etc and so forth. All fired up, but not actually about to tell him. Instead she spends the entire episode saying "I've got to tell you something!" and then getting distracted. Eventually Cole sees a picture of Cruella with Smurf, and puts two and two together. His dimples begin to quiver. Oh bugger, he thinks, with growing dismay.This complicates things rather.

Gobby continues her bonding with Paula OTFA. Thickardo worries. Gobby insinuates. Thickardo worries a bit more. Eventually Paula asks Gobby to move in with them. Yeah, Gobby. And bring your psycho collection of newspaper clippings with you. They'll look great above the fireplace. Where's she going to sleep?! There's only one room in the house!

Held hostage on the beach, Smeg whimpers until TGO arrives, heroically striding over the dunes with a briefcase in his hand. He hands it over, saving Smeg from the verge of... well, not death exactly. Just more of Mad Eddie's mad ramblings. Eddie begins to make his escape, whilst TGO comforts poor whimpering Smeggie. Furious at the huggings, Collagen, who is hiding nearby, throws a barrel at Eddie. He goes down, she nicks the briefcase, and he tries to shoot her. Cue TGO, doing the flying dive roll that shows he grew up watching The A-Team just like the rest of us. He and Eddie indulge in one of the most enthusiastic fight scenes ever, before whimpering Smeggie gives Eddie the advantage. He grabs the briefcase and tussles some more with Collagen, then finally threatens to kill Ben if everybody doesn't behave. Everybody behaves. Eddie runs off with the briefcase, and TGO gives gleeful chase. He's loving this. So am I. Smeg screams after him, which isn't a great plan. The element of surprise might have been a help, Smeg. Eddie has a jetski waiting in the surf, though, and he leaps aboard. TGO chases him into the surf, but Eddie's away. Phew! Okay, maybe Clive Robertson can be Bond after all. Annie has the last laugh, though, for at some point during the various fisticuffs she's hidden the money and jewels, and filled up the briefcase with sand. TGO growls at her that she's going to get Meg hurt one day, but Collagen doesn't much care. She's rich now, after all. Ben insists that Smeg goes home with them though because "you shouldn't be alone." Ben, she lives in a house full of people. She won't be alone. Annie's as unimpressed as I am, but she has plans. "You'll be mine yet, Ben!" Yeah, Annie. In our dreams...

**********

Tuesday 23/11

(Casey+shirt)+staplegun=necessity. Please!

Smurf is distraught, and cries on her mother's shoulder throughout the episode. Cruella tries to make her feel better by telling her that such heartbreaks will be with her for life. They share tales of woe. Soon they're hugging and declaring their great love for each other. Excuse me whilst I throw up in the corner of the room. Tight Pants, meanwhile, has gone back to the strangely wooden sounding grotto to fetch Smurf's bag. There he meets Dimples, who's waiting rather hopefully, as though expecting Caitlin to come back at any moment. Tight Pants tries to get tough with him, which is very funny. Dimples floors him with one raised eyebrow.

Gobby has moved in to Thickardo's place. This causes much flirting, much discomfort, and much near hugging between her and Thickardo. Paula notices nothing. Thickardo flashes back to the night she was kidnapped, when he and Gobby nearly kissed. Enough already! We do not need to see that clip any more! That's pretty much all that happens there, though. Lots of sleeping and staring and scowling and looking awkward. Along the beach a ways, Casey has a macho man moment with Wei Li.

TGO and his fan club arrive home. Smeg gets Ben's room, and Ben gets the couch. This bothers Collagen no end. As TGO and Smeg bond in Ben's bedroom, Annie turns up with hot milky drinks and a promise of girly nights together, refusing to leave Smeg alone in case she has nightmares. TGO leaves them to it. Thankyou Annie, for saving us all from a ghastly scene. In the morning Collagen discovers Ben sprawled on the sofa dressed in hideous pyjamas (guess what colour! ) and fantasises about their future together. In a tux, Ben romances her, and they retire to the sofa together. Smeg ruins the dream by coming in to talk about the jewels. Annie wants to keep them, but Ben thinks they can use them as proof against Eddie to clear Annie's name. He proposes calling Thickardo to make a deal. Thickardo?! Ben, when did Thickardo ever listen to you?! He seems set on his course though, anxious to get something sorted out before Eddie finds out about the switch and comes after them. And so to Switzerland, where Comedy Accent Porter takes Eddie's bags to a hotel room. Eddie is very excited. He leaps onto his bed, and declares that he's made it. Eddie is a Very Happy Man. He cuddles his briefcase, which is, of course, now full of sand. Poor Eddie.

**********

Wednesday 24/11

Bungalow is trying to teach Wei Li how to surf. Wei Li, however, is the Keanu Reeves of experimental medicine. Casey is impressed, and they return from the sea fully bonded. Wei Li now fully suspects that Bungalow and Martial Law are lying about being married, though, so he offers to throw them a huge party to celebrate their wedding. Martial Law is beginning to panic. She manages to have a little worry about Smeg, though, which is nice. I was beginning to think that Martial Law would never interact with any other members of the cast.

Elsewhere, Paula OTFA takes Gobby to Elaine, to explain about who she is. Elaine is beginning to break down though. She talks about the baby son she lost years ago, and about how she's done something that she hopes Paula can forgive her for one day. Gobby's appearance makes things worse, as there's something in Elaine's life that "might have been different" if Paula and Gobby's father hadn't run off all those years ago. Bits of her are crumbling away every moment, and it's all to do with the son she thought she'd lost - Cole.

TGO sets out to tell Thickardo that Eddie is the latest suspect in Del's killing. Thickardo, just for a change, is highly suspicious. Ben plays his cards close to his chest, trying to gauge how things would stand if Annie were still alive. He's trying to avoid telling Thickardo about the jewels, too, although he does let on that he has a "briefcase full of evidence" against Eddie. Thickardo makes a few subtle inquiries about Eddie, and finds that he's gone away on holiday. He tells TGO that if Annie were still alive, he'd have to arrest her though - unless the case against some other suspect could be watertight. TGO takes his leave looking as shady as ever he's done, and tells Collagen that she has to get out of Dodge quick. He tells her to take the jewels and go, and stay away until he's managed to nail Eddie. She refuses, unless he goes too. She tells him that she knows he doesn't love her, but she loves him and can't stop feeling that way; and unless they run away together, she's not running away at all. She doesn't care what Eddie does. What Eddie is currently doing, is ordering like crazy from room service. That done, feeling rich and happy, he sits down to admire his briefcase, and chat happily to his jewels. He opens the briefcase. He finds the sand. He flips. Deciding that he deserves this for what he did to Paula, he goes doolally, and smashes up the briefcase. There's a secret compartment, however, which he finds now that the case is in tatters. Inside is a birth certificate, for the son of AJ and Elaine. Could this be what got Del killed, he wonders, in typical aloud fashion. Gosh, don't know Eddie. Maybe we'll find out tomorrow.

**********

Thursday 25/11

Another of those days when everybody spends all day getting nowhere. Cruella tries to tell Cole who he really is, but heavily bothered by his discovery that she's Caitlin's mother, he won't listen to her. She and Bette try to tell Elaine the truth instead, but with equally little success. Elaine is crumbling more and more all the time, and Paula OTFA is worried about her. Thickardo tries to be sympathetic, but is caught up making quiet inquiries about Eddie, following TGO's comments yesterday. He checks with Spawn about the statement retracting his positive identification of Annie as Del's murderer, and discovers that the statement was made to Eddie; and that therefore Eddie must have buried it.

Other than that, all that happens is Michael's major guilt trip about having killed Jimmy's father. He tries to tell Jimmy and Virginia the truth, but can't. Bubblewrap is worried about him, as now that he's faced the truth by telling her, he can't seem to handle the guilt anymore.

Oh, and Spawn's headaches are getting worse. That'll teach you to headbutt Ben's fireplace, Spawn.

**********

Friday 26/11

Wei Li is going ahead with his party. Everybody who knows Casey and Martial Law is to be present. Except Ben. And anybody who isn't contracted for today's episode. And Greggie. Wei Li has been boasting about his amazing abilities and his money to anybody who'll listen, but he's bought champagne and caviar, so clearly he doesn't have any breeding. Such vulgarities! Everybody parties, but Bungalow has done an about face and now wants to tell Wei Li the truth. He's realised that Martial Law loves Wei Li. Meanwhile Smeg twitches and jumps and drops things, and everybody worries about her again. She's suffering an attack of Eddie Nerves, but rather more deserving of the worry is Spawn, whose brain is clearly about to cave in under the pressure.

At Casa Richards, Tiff bonds with Cruella. A first for any human being. Cruella talks of how she was poor once, but learnt by watching rich people, in the hope that one day she could throw off the shackles, yadda yadda yadda. She promises to do what she can to help Tiff to break out of her own vicious circle, but the first step is keeping Greggie in the dark about his latest house guest. Sadly Spike keeps causing Greggie's nose to explode with violent force, and Greggie is on a crusade to find the small furry animal who is aggravating his allergies so. He finds Spike, and calls the Pound. Tiff trembles.

And TGO and Annie talk, and talk, and argue, and talk, and fail to get it together. Oh Ben. Why choose Smeg over Annie?! Annie tries to apologise for her behaviour, admitting that it's mostly because she's so used to trying to attract attention - either from her lousy father or from Ben himself. Ben repents, but he wants her to behave from now on - and at least try to be nice to Smeg - or their friendship might well be over. Annie promises to make a vague attempt to be good, at least when he's watching, then he heads off to talk to Thickardo about something. Trying to be good, Collagen goes off upstairs, but on the way sees a strange woman poking about on the verandah. Annie calls up TGO, but for some reason his mobile is busy. His meeting with Thickardo clearly is being held over the telephone, then, in the vain hope that not having to look at each other will stop them arguing. Deciding that her being good will just have to start tomorrow instead, Annie goes to investigate the woman. From behind she thinks it's Cruella. From in front... not so much. It's Eddie, fully decked up like an extra in a party scene from Gone With The Wind. He has a gun, an "I'm desperate now!" look on his face, and a hell of a lot of lipstick. Annie decides to take the weekend to decide whether to be afraid or just to burst out laughing.

**********

Monday 29/11

Spike the dog is about to go off with the Pound Man, but Tiff dashes to the rescue, revealing her presence to Greggie as she leaps out of the wardrobe. Greggie tries to look astonished, but his nose is still too busy exploding. He attempts to have the Pound Man take Tiff away as well as Spike, but Cruella and Spawn both stand up to him, and Spawn announces that either Tiff stays or he goes. Greggie (sensible man) seems to be considering this as a very feasible possibility, when Spawn suddenly collapses. The brain injury plotline that's been building up since the night of his tussle with Mark back in early October finally decides to come to fruition. Hooray!

Annie, meanwhile, is tussling with Eddie. He fails to put up much of a fight in high heels, and apparently no longer desires to kill her anyway. She tells him that Ben's hidden the jewels and she doesn't know where they are, but he's less interested in that than in proving that neither of them is guilty of Dead Boy's murder. He asks Annie to keep his return a secret for a few days, until he can follow up his new lead (the birth certificate hidden in the secret compartment). It's like an Enid Blyton adventure, isn't it. Well, maybe not. Less transvestitism in Enid Blyton, as a rule. Annie can't wait to tell Ben, but he's busy talking with Thickardo, discussing Eddie's suspected guilt. Thickardo is finally beginning to accept that TGO isn't entirely without his merits, and Smeg points out that this bit of plot could soon be coming to an end. TGO realises that his means he can move onto something else, which might actually involve not brooding for a change. He broods about this, then takes Smeg home for smoochies on the veranda. Ick. Annie doesn't look too impressed either.

And Paula makes a massive leap of logic, and leaves Wei Li's party in a hurry. The news that Spawn retracted his witness statement has convinced her that Elaine is the guilty party. Um... okay. She races off to show photographs to a hithertofore unmentioned witness, who identifies Elaine. Okay, why didn't they just ask him three months ago?! He identifies Elaine. Paula wishes she hadn't asked. Oh, and Martial Law tells Wei Li the truth about her 'marriage'. But nobody cares about that except Bungalow, and he has silly hair at the moment, so he deserves whatever he gets.

**********

Tuesday 30/11

Quote Of The Day: "Yeah, but who'll listen to a drag queen, kidnapping, jewel thief?"

Wei Li is insufferable. Completely, unbearably, insufferable. He remains convinced that he can win the hand of Martial Law, though, despite her running off halfway through their conversation to snog Bungalow. Twice. She's saved from further shenanigans by Spawn's collapse, as she has to go racing off to look earnest by his bedside. Greggie, Olivia, Tiff and Mark all display the various stages of overwroughtness, which granted isn't a word, but is in Sunset Beach. Greggie wants to move Spawn to a big hospital with some proper doctors, but Martial Law wants to keep him, as she hasn't had a real patient to play with since Spawn was last admitted. They argue, then Spawn codes, and some very unrealistic resuscitation begins.

Paula goes round to challenge her mother about the positive ID putting her at the hotel the night of Dead Boy's murder. Elaine manages to look even more overwrought than the assorted members of the extended Richards clan, but successfully comes up with a cover story. Paula wanders off into the night looking upset, and fails to notice Gobby's continual attempts to seduce Thickardo. She looks wistful, she looks thoughtful, she looks tearful. Even Thickardo notices. Does Paula think she's found the murderer at last?!

And TGO and Smeg snog enthusiastically, until Ben starts getting the Maria flashbacks again, and breaks off. He runs away to the Deep, and Collagen, trying out (or pretending to try out) her new "I Can Be Friendly Too!" persona, counsels Smeg not to follow. She can see what's wrong, but Smeg can't, and so little Meg races off after TGO. Eddie comes in then, looking weirdly suited to his drag costume, and searches fruitlessly for the jewels. He and Collagen come to a sort of deal, whereby they'll help each other to prove their innocence in the murder investigation. Sorry, but Eddie? Keep the make-up. It really suits you. Especially without the wig. Meanwhile Smeg follows TGO to the Deep and makes him cross by doing so. She tries kissing him again, and at first he reciprocates, then he pulls back and tells her that they shouldn't see each other anymore. Smeg gets all teary. Yeah, right. Whatever Smeg. You can go back to Kansas now.

**********

Wednesday 1/12

It's the usual kind of day in Sunset Beach. Everybody is terribly overwrought, but absolutely nothing happens. At the hospital, Martial Law is terribly excited, as not only has she got a real patient, but she gets to actually perform a procedure! Firstly she gets to use the big machine that goes Bleep! and then she gets to drill holes in Spawn's head. It's her best day's work ever. Greggie is blaming everybody in the whole wide world who ever lived ever for a: Spawn's health, b: Spawn's potential death, and c: Spawn's general Spawniness. Everybody holds their breath to discover how Spawn is, but Martial Law finds it necessary to stop, stare, take off her surgical hat in slow motion, then stare a bit more before finally telling them anything. The Spawn-drilling went well, but there may still be problems. Greggie decides to glare furiously for the rest of the show, and Wei Li chooses this moment to announce that he's leaving town. Yep, he's been there watching everything, along with half the rest of the population. So much for patient confidentiality.

Elsewhere, Paula worries over whether or not her mother killed Dead Boy, and Elaine goes to talk to Armando's gravestone about it. Presumably this is where she thinks her baby son is buried. Or maybe she thinks she buried him there herself during the whole Witches of Eastwick Flashback thing. Hiding nearby is Eddie, who's no longer in drag. He hears everything, and snickers away into the night.

And TGO takes Smeg back to Surf Central, where she finds Tight Pants hiding in the kitchen. She's all twitchy about having just been dumped by Ben, and Tim sympathises and tries to win her back. Meanwhile TGO is back in Broodland, and spends the night being artistically daubed with glittery sweat by the make-up department, and having wild and stormy nightmares about Maria. Annie comes running so quickly when he yells that she must have been sleeping on the landing, then settles down to cuddle him for the rest of the night. Aw. She may be certifiable, Ben, but at least she's not the most irritating woman alive. Go on. Pick her.

**********

Thursday 2/12

Greggie has turned to floppy hair and gentle smiles. He really is in a bad way. Spawn is now stable, and has been transferred to South Bay General, a hospital with proper doctors and some actual equipment. Doctor Martial Law mopes, as her only patient ever has been taken away. Greggie mopes because he's actually let on to some people that he really does care about Spawn. Caitlin mopes because she's worried. Spawn mopes because nobody will tell him anything. Cruella just goes bonkers. The doctors want to operate to remove a blood clot from the Spawnly brain, and Greggie has the best doctor in the country flown in to do the operation. The mention of this medical marvel's name sends Martial Law spinning into wildly unsubtle panic.

Michael goes surfing in a riptide. Bungalow rescues him. They argue, do some macho posturing, and call each other "Man" a lot. Bubblewrap mopes about Michael. Michael mopes about having killed Jimmy's dad. Eventually he starts moping aloud, and Jimmy and Virginia turn up and hear it all. Michael tries to explain, only to discover that Virginia guessed the truth a long time ago. Jimmy races off to mope on the beach, and Michael mopes about Jimmy now knowing everything. Bubblewrap mopes because Michael is. Virginia talks a lot of sense, and snaps them out of it, telling them that Jimmy has to work it all out for himself. Boy did she ever undergo a personality transplant later. Michael mopes some more.

And back at the hospital, Mark mopes about Spawn's situation being all his fault. Tiff mopes because nobody will let her be with Spawn. Spawn mopes because nobody is telling him the truth. Eventually Tiff sneaks into his room, and agrees to find out about his condition for him. She steals his medical records and reads them to him, and he decides that there's no way he's going through with the operation. Cue dramatic stares and plinky plonky music.

**********

Friday 3/12

Spawn has flown the coop. Or run away from the hospital, anyway. He wants happy memories, and pictures in his head to take to the operating table with him. He and Tiff gambol on the pier and nick a bloke's frisbee. They make sand angels, and wish it was cold. Back at the hospital, Greggie is clearly out of his mind with worry, whilst Cruella berates him for not being worried. Just because he doesn't tear his hair out and burst into tears every five minutes doesn't mean he's not worried. Daft woman. They run hither, they run thither, but Spawn is nowhere to be found.

Elsewhere, Paula steals bits of Waffle Shop for forensics testing. Elaine puts the shop on the market, and worries Paula by giving away bits of hideous jewellery and apparently trying to say goodbye. Thickardo tricks a particularly manic Bette into telling him about the Deschanel Jewels, and Dimples wanders about like a little lost sheep. Except he doesn't say "Baaaa." At least within hearing.

Oh, and Mark unburdens himself about Spawn to Smeg, who's wandering on the beach claiming that she never wants to see TGO again. Huh. Like we'd get that lucky. Speaking of which, where is TGO? Is Collagen still cuddling him on the settee?! I mean, she did say she was never going to let him go... And Jimmy is arrested for shoplifting, and Michael gives him a pep talk. Jimmy wanders away looking grumpy. Michael looks wistful. Oh well, at last one member of the cast has learnt his lesson when it comes to speaking his most secretest thoughts out loud.

**********

Monday 6/12

Spawn is gambolling on the beach, still refusing to go in for surgery. He doesn't want his head chopped up by strange surgeons. Tiff persuades him otherwise, and back they go to the hospital, where Greggie's hair is growing floppier by the minute. He seems to be losing five years off his age with every scene. Who says worry turns you grey?! Greggie paces and growls and rants and raves, and continues blaming Spawn's accident on everybody who ever lived. But mostly on Tiff, who squeaks and looks glum. Eventually Spawn goes off for his surgery, accompanied by Martial Law, who's been told that she can assist. Assist?! She has no surgical experience, so she's being allowed to assist in brain surgery?! Boy, it's easy to get into medicine in Sunset Beach! Now I know why Spawn was so nervous.

Elsewhere, Paula OTFA worries about Elaine. The bits of Waffe Shop she stole and took for analysis prove that Elaine was at Dead Boy's murder scene. Elaine, meanwhile, is spending her time chatting with Dimples. She discovers that he has the same date of birth as her supposedly dead son, and coupled with his uncanny resemblance to his own photo - er, I mean the photo of Armando Deschanel - this sets off her Suspicion Alert. She begins to wonder if Dimples is her son.

And TGO frets and broods over the upcoming anniversary of Maria's death. He hasn't been sleeping, and when he does get to sleep the nightmares drive him mad. Collagen tries to help, even going so far as feigning sweetness and helpfulness when Smeg comes around to tell them about Spawn. Why she thinks they need to know is unclear, and even TGO looks foxed on that score, but never mind. Anyway, eventually she leaves, and Annie, still playing at being the good little girl next door, settles Ben down to a meal and a bottle of wine. TGO smiles sweetly at her across the takeout boxes. Collagen smiles sweetly back. Then when she sends him away to put some music on, she spikes his drink with pills. Good old Annie. You've got to love her approach to romance.

**********

Tuesday 7/12

Spawn is in surgery, and rather worryingly the expert surgeon seems to need to keep asking Martial Law what to do next. They dig, they cut, they cauterise. They stop for dramatic pauses, and announce that "The patient could die!" Elsewhere in the hospital, Greggie and Olivia comfort each other, and go off for coffee in the dingiest canteen ever. Greggie's hair is still floppy, so he is still in Caring Mode. He must be; I'd have flattened Cruella by now, with that blasted whimpering act. Tiff hides in corridors, praying and worrying, and Caitlin cuddles Cole for comfort. Dimples wants to tell her that he slept with her mother. Clearly he thinks that this will help their relationship along, but personally I have doubts.

Elaine, meanwhile, has gone bonkers. She flees to the graveyard where, watched in secret by Paula, she digs up a child's coffin that was hidden beside Armando Deschanel's. Okay, why exactly did Elaine, Olivia and Bette bury Elaine's allegedly dead baby in secret, in the middle of the night, inside his grandfather's grave? Or would that be a silly question? Apparently so. She opens the coffin and finds it empty, and realises that she's been wrong all these years. Her baby isn't dead. Her baby is, in fact, alive and well, living in Sunset Beach, and in possession of the world's biggest dimples. Elaine goes bonkers again, and flees the graveyard. Paula gives chase and eventually hears that her brother is still alive. Which is good, as it means she abandoned Thickardo for a good reason, as he's been left all night with Gobby instead. Every two minutes she says "I guess it's just the two of us," and he gives her A Look. In the end he runs away to the police station, where Eddie is hiding in the hope of finding evidence linking Elaine to Dead Boy's murder. He's left his keys on show, though, and Thickardo realises he's on the premises. He puts together a search.

And so to Collagen and TGO, who have both drunk so much red wine so quickly that surely the sleeping pills are redundant?! TGO staggers off upstairs to rest before Smeg arrives, and Annie nips up after him and climbs into his bed. At the Deep, Smeg dodges Mark's attempts to warn her of The Dangers Of Ben, and skips off merrily to meet The Brooding One. She finds him in bed with Annie. She whimpers. Her little face falls. She flees. Lots of fleeing in the show today. Later she goes back to the Deep, where Mark warns her yet again of The Dangers Of Ben, and she looks all crestfallen. Back at the house, TGO is having more nightmares, and Annie happily comforts him. Yep, there's dead women screaming in Ben's head again. All is right with the world. Well, unless you're Ben.

**********

Wednesday 8/12

Spawn is well. Spawn will survive. Spawn is out of danger. Greggie's hair is greased back again, so everything must be returning to normal. Martial Law comes bearing bad news though - the Spawnly eyes may be malfunctioning. They won't know until he's awake. Cruella wanders off home to mope and worry, and Smurf twitches and frets about Dimples. Cruella sends her off to meet with him, and asks if she'll get to meet him herself any time soon. Cruella, I think you already know Dimples quite well enough... Bette turns up and tells Cruella that the police now know about the Deschanel Jewels, so they have to begin preparing for the worst. Which presumably means more worrying about having to do something that they never get around to doing.

Elaine, meanwhile, has told Paula everything. All about Cole being her brother, and not really having died when he was a baby; all about Dead Boy having been responsible for taking him away; and how she was the one who shot Del, because of what he did. Paula squeaks and panics and tries to stop her mother turning herself in, but Elaine is determined. She just wants to explain all to Dimples first. Eddie is on the move, though, and sets up a meet with Thickardo, saying that he's ready to tell who the killer is.

And Ben, who for some reason always gets left until last (sorry Ben), is having to go through his nightmares all over again courtesy of the previouslies. It ends differently this time though, as instead of quivering in Annie's arms, artfully displaying the best of the make-up department's sweat appliqué, today he paces about the room posing against bits of furniture and looking dark. He decides that Thickardo is right and he did kill Maria, then goes off to work at the Deep (which is now closed, but nice thought anyway). Smeg is there, and bitches at him without telling him why, before storming out. TGO is left wandering around an empty nightclub, all on his own and looking confused. Whilst dressed in black. For a change. Annie's happy though.

**********

Thursday 9/12

Dimples explains to Caitlin that he came to Sunset Beach looking for the Deschanel Jewels, and that he was never expecting to fall in love. He wants to make things work between them, but she's bothered that he lied to her. He therefore decides that it might be prudent not to mention that he slept with her mother. Gee, Cole. D'you think?! He realises that he might have to choose between her and the jewels though, so he stands on the pier and muses. A lot.

Elsewhere most of the rest of the cast are spending the day in Dramatic Pause Mode, without really getting much done. Paula persuades Elaine not to give herself up just yet, and Eddie tells Thickardo that it was Elaine who killed Dead Boy. He promises Thickardo proof if he gets immunity. Thickardo turns him down, but Eddie points out that there are other people who would like the proof, and if Thickardo gets it, he can bury it if he chooses. Thickardo glowers and stares.

And Elaine tells Bette and Cruella that she knows her son is still alive, leading to them panicking. They hedge, they stammer, they fudge, they mutter, they trip over their tongues and their stories, but it turns out that she doesn't suspect them of involvement. Quite why not, given their looks of obvious guilt, is anybody's guess. In the end she wanders off to the pier, where she meets Dimples. She stares at him for a long time wondering what to say, then he comes over to talk to her. She stares at him for a long time wondering what to say. Strangely enough, he doesn't scream at her to get on with it.

**********

Friday 10/12

After much staring, Elaine tries to ask Dimples about his mother. He claims that she abandoned him, and that he wants nothing more to do with her, so after much humming and hawing, and looking like she's flirting wildly with him, she eventually wanders off and leaves him alone. They go on with their respective moping and thinking and moping. Elaine returns to the Waffleless Waffle Shop, to stare at photos and mope.

At the hospital, Greggie tries to buy off Tiff and fails. He glowers. Spawn wakes up and successfully counts Martial Law's fingers, but then asks for Tiff, causing Greggie to glower. Greggie attempts to scare off Tiff by telling her that he managed to get rid of Cole, only for Caitlin to come in at entirely the wrong moment. She glowers, though not nearly as skilfully as Greggie. Greggie tries to explain, causing Smurf to whine about trust and heroes and fathers and moping and boyfriends and tears and insecurities. Greggie glowers. Smurf whines and glowers. Greggie looks wistful. Whilst glowering.

And Wei Li walks in on Martial Law and Bungalow having a smooching session, and goes back to the old game of one-upmanship. Martial Law's little heart doth flutter at his insufferable bigheadedness, especially when he tells her he's got her a job at a big city hospital on the surgical team. Bungalow worries about losing her, and Smeg tries to help him feel better about himself, despite her own accelerated TGO-moping. Michael and Bubblewrap are doing no better in their little bit of plot, trying to date, but failing at every hurdle. Bubblewrap winds up watching Michael having fun on the beach with Not-Yet-Very-Vixeny Virginia, and sighs sorrowfully. Mind you, she was wearing a revolting green dress, so she deserves the heartbreak.

**********

Monday 13/12

Smurf and Dimples are in Little Lovers' Heaven. They cavort in the caves. They are happy to be together again. Oh such happiness! Amid much flashing-backing to Dimples and Cruella in bed together, they talk earnestly of running away from Sunset Beach. Dimples makes a fire from all the driftwood that's conveniently piled up in the above-the-high-tide-mark cave, and eventually, as the view outside changes from daytime to nighttime to daytime again, in the space of one brief conversation, they decide to make love. In slow motion. By firelight. With twinking and soft focus. Ick.

Thickardo waits at the Deep for TGO, and Paula wonders why they're meeting. She suspects it's something to do with Dead Boy's murder, and worries that there might be something that implicates her mother, especially when Thickardo keeps refusing to tell her anything. Eventually Ben mooches in, already in full Glower And Brood Mode, and fails to get Smeg to talk to him. She scuttles off to talk to Tight Pants at the bar instead, whilst Mark's body double, who's obviously cheaper than the real thing, wanders around in the background. Tight Pants tries to get Smeg to tell him what's up, but she begins to put two and two together herself as she talks to him, and goes scuttling off to see Collagen. When she arrives it's bright daylight, but Ben's house is so big that in the time it takes her to cross the living room, suddenly it's night outside. She confronts Annie, who denies having drugged Ben (Smeg's really got her little brain cell working today, to have leaped to that conclusion!) and claims they just fell asleep together when she was comforting Ben after another nightmare attack. Smeg gets all squeaky and upset, and scuttles away again feeling bad.

Back at the Deep, Thickardo confronts TGO about the Deschanel Jewels, and gets him to admit that Eddie had them, although not own up to where they are now. They argue and posture and posture and argue, whilst Paula hangs around nearby looking worried. Eventually Ben admits that he has no proof that Eddie actually killed Del, and Thickardo prowls away looking growly. TGO then gets confronted by Tight Pants, who threatens to beat him up if he hurts Smeg. TGO doesn't quite giggle, but everybody watching the show does. Later Tim lets on that he knows Annie is still alive, and tells Ben not to get Smeg mixed up in his shadowy dealings, (or Tim will beat him up. Again). Ben nearly bashes him for his trouble, but Thickardo bounces in to break it up, happy to get an excuse to growl at Ben again. They all go their separate ways. With extra growling.

**********

Tuesday 14/12

Michael and Bubblewrap are out on a date. They want to be like "normal people". Hmm. They chatter and giggle, and then go home and try to drink tea. Bubblewrap falls asleep. Yep - that's how much fun "normal" is. On the up side, Michael has apparently learnt that it really is possible to wear a shirt for an entire episode.

Smurf and Dimples have rolled in the sand all night, except that once again it's only just getting dark. They go off to visit Spawn at the hospital, although he mostly seems interested in Tiff. His eyes are going peculiar. This might be considered a good thing, since it stops him having to look at his mother's insane grinning every five minutes. She and Tiff are bonding. Yikes. So are Cruella and Greggie. There's so much niceness going on in the Richards family just at the moment that it's getting positively scary. Even Greggie is looking dewy-eyed.

And at the Deep, Thickardo is trying to avoid telling Paula that her mother killed Del, whilst Paula is trying to stop Thickardo finding out that her mother killed Del. She goes racing off to talk to Elaine, only to have Thickardo walk in just as they discuss who killed Del. Thickardo manages not to hear, and they tell him that they were just talking about the amazing Not Dead Son. Who is not dead. Thickardo is dutifully impressed, but rather more interested in Annie. Who is also not dead. Back at the Deep, TGO is also rather more interested in Annie - or more to the point how Tight Pants knows that she's still alive. He confronts Smeg about it, and in the process manages to lock them both in the wine cellar. They argue, then start chatting, until Smeg gets nosy and TGO gets all evasive again. He starts looking for another way out of the wine cellar, certain that there must be another one. I don't know why there must be necessarily, Ben, but there is. Just keep bashing those walls. Eventually he admits that "somebody" really hurt him once, and he doesn't know if he can ever trust Smeg. She lets slip that she's from Kansas, and he finally puts two and two together, and figures out that she's Dorothy. Well done Ben! It's only taken you four months...

**********

Wednesday 15/12

Thickardo is worried. Worried with a capital Worr. He goes to meet Eddie, who rather scarily calls him Sunset Beach's finest. Doesn't say much for the rest of Sunset Beach, does it. Eddie gives him the evidence against Elaine in exchange for immunity from prosecution, and Thickardo gets even more worried. Eventually he goes home to Paula, who is also worried, and together they worry their way into bed, where they lie silently, worrying.

Spawn is still in hospital, and his eyesight is failing. He tries to avoid letting on, but Tiff realises, and tricks him into proving what's wrong. Elsewhere in the family things are going well, though, as Smurf blackmails Greggie into being nice to Tiff, and Greggie decides to take the entire family, Spike included, away on a holiday. Smurf goes running off to see Cole, who is waiting in the strangely wooden sounding grotto in order to give Cruella back her necklace. They kiss. Cruella walks in. She goggles. The music goes all dramatic. There is more goggling. And kissing. That could make it gossing, I suppose. Or kigging. But there's lots of it, anyway.

And in the wine cellar, Smeg tells TGO the entire history of their relationship so far, complete with flashbacks. It goes on for the entire episode. Given his frequent glowers, TGO probably finds this as boring as the rest of us. Smeg, he was there. He knows all this already. Smeg pours out her little heart, telling Ben how much SB meant to her, and Ben looks all wistful and sad. And glowery. He finds the story of strawberry-poisoned Casey as funny as I do though.

**********

Thursday 16/12

Spawn's vision fades. And quivers. And fades. He can see only Tiff now, and that only close to, but refuses to tell anybody. Tiff worries, Spawn squints. Elsewhere in the family, Smurf gets given the brush off by Dimples, so that he can meet with Cruella, but she's run off in hysterics. She spends the rest of the episode prowling the beach, yelling at Dimples (who isn't present), whilst he prowls a different part of the beach talking to her, who also isn't present. But then she isn't even when she's there, so it doesn't really make much difference.

Thickardo can't sleep. He's worried about Elaine. Gobby can't sleep. She's thinking about Thickardo. Or possibly about messing with Paula's head, one or the other. She chats, Thickardo growls. Thickardo prowls. Thickardo worries. Eddie turns up and gloats. Thickardo prowls and growls and worries some more. And some more. Eventually he heads off to confront Elaine, who's ready and waiting for him. They stare at each other. And stare. And stare some more.

And locked up in the wine cellar, Smeg and TGO talk about feelings, and the lack of them, and the getting of them back, and the finding of them in unexpected places. Ben glowers and looks dark and moody. He paces, Smeg quivers. Smeg pouts, TGO fidgets. They talk about SB and Dorothy, and TGO drops hints about Maria's infidelities. Nobody comes to let them out of the wine cellar, so they decide to try to get some sleep - although why Ben bothers given that the outcome is almost certain is a question for another day - and sure enough, soon the Broodmeister is tossing and turning. In his head he wanders through his house, and eventually comes across Maria standing on the deck. He flips and tries to strangle her, and Smeg wakes up to find his hands wrapped around her throat. His eyes gleam murderously. Yeah, go Ben!

**********

Friday 17/12

Thickardo and Elaine stare at each other for a while, before finally she compliments him on his intelligence. See Elaine, if you're complimenting Thickardo on his intelligence, that rather explains why you haven't been able to get away with murder. They talk about why she did it, and Thickardo theorises that the Deschanel Jewels were Dead Boy's payment, from the Deschanel Family, for the theft of Elaine's baby. Elaine sees that the game is up, and that she's heading for a prison cell, but Thickardo asks her if she wants to explain all to Paula first. Elaine seizes the chance to keep it a secret that her daughter already knows, but Paula later blows it all herself in front of Thickardo. He's not best pleased. At Ben's place, though, Eddie is in high spirits, as he tells Annie that she'll soon be cleared.

Cruella walks on the beach, berating herself, the universe and everything else in existence, for her affair with Dimples. She crumples up into a sobbing heap, and Greggie finds her and takes her home. He wants to help her, and find out what the problem is, but she knows that she can't tell him. She whimpers and sobs and gazes soulfully into space. For much of the episode.

And TGO wakes up and sadly stops strangling Smeg. He apologises profusely, and she's typically forgiving and understanding. He winds up telling her the story of Maria's disappearance at sea, and tells her that she's trapped in the wine cellar with a murderer. She refuses to believe him, and he calls her a cock-eyed optimist. Ben dear, I can think of a lot of better names for her than that. Eventually Smeg convinces him that she feels safe enough with him to try going back to sleep. He feels safe with her, too, and not only manages to sleep without nightmares, but winds up sleeping in her arms. Which is how Annie finds them, when she comes looking for the overdue TGO.

**********

Monday 20/12

Spawn wakes up to the realisation that he can't see anything at all. Tiff panics, but Spawn is determined to keep it a secret. He's worried that the added trauma will destroy his mother and father's newly rebuilt relationship, and tries to keep it from Smurf as well. Tiff persuades him to tell Martial Law though, and when they ring her up, Mark and Bungalow hear too, and go racing off to the hospital to, er... help? Watch? Giggle? Who knows. Anyway, they race off to the hospital as well, and blow the gaffe to Smurf, who squeaks. Spawn's vision has returned by now, though, so the squeaking is limited. She listens to Spawn's reasons for not telling Cruella and Greggie, but thinks his sight is more important than their good relations. Er, yeah... but telling them is going to help how exactly? I know Greggie is all powerful, but that doesn't make him an eye specialist.

Thickardo yells at Paula. Paula yells at Thickardo. Elaine yells at Paula and Thickardo. There is teeth gnashing, and much spouting of dramatic clichés. "She's my mother!"; "She murdered Del!", "She was driven to it!"; "Argh!"; "No!"; "Ye gads!" Well, okay. Less of that last one. Eventually Elaine tells Thickardo that it's time to arrest her, and get it all over and done with. Thickardo does so, on an inexplicably sun-laden beach. Hang on, is it even dawn yet in Ben's wine cellar?

Er... no. Because it was still night when Annie found Smeg and TGO there on Friday, and she's still just finding them. Tight Pants follows her in, and there is much glaring and frowning and posturing. TGO sends Annie and Smeg home, so that he can glare at Tight Pants unhindered. Smeg and Collagen leave. TGO glares. Tight Pants tries to glare. TGO does rather better. Eventually Tight Pants agrees not to tell Greggie anything about Annie still being alive, despite the fact that he did so long ago, but Greggie just hasn't bothered doing anything about it yet. Ben gets all dark and glowery. He thinks Smeg would be better off with Tim, and later on tries to tell her so. That makes it Smeg's turn to look all glowery. Left alone at Ben's place, Annie magically conjures up Tim's phone number, and calls him to begin plotting for a combined Break Up Ben And Meg Offensive. Oh goody.

**********

Tuesday 21/12

Bubblewrap apologises for falling asleep on her date with Michael, however many episodes back. They arrange another date to make up for it, but have to cancel when Jimmy calls to say that his house has been robbed. Michael doesn't want them to stay there anymore, as the area is too dangerous. They all look very earnestly at each other, and frown deeply. Meanwhile Bubblewrap learns that the newspaper where she works has been bought out. She wonders who by, and hopes that it will be somebody with honesty and integrity. Actually it's Greggie. He's in high spirits at the moment though, as Eddie has just told him that Del's killer has been caught, so the Richards family is no longer under suspicion. So the 'integrity' of the newspaper may be safe for... oh, moments. At least.

Martial Law worries about the job that Wei Li arranged for her. She doesn't want to take it as she would miss Sunset Beach and Bungalow too much. He doesn't want to stand in her way, though, and encourages her to go for it. Wei Li lurks about the place being obnoxious. He tells Martial Law that he will buy her dream house for her if she takes the job. All she has to do is marry him. Ick.

And Dimples and Cruella argue on the beach, about whether or not to tell Smurf about their relationship. Cruella thinks that the truth is the best option, but Dimples is anxious to protect Smurf's feelings. Eventually Smurf appears at the top of a sand dune, and is delighted to see them both together. Dimples pleads with Cruella not to say anything, but Cruella is in one of her distraught moods, so reasoning is not possible. They all stare at each other, in various stages of breathlessness. And continue staring, until the music jangles.

**********

Wednesday 22/12

The staring of yesterday continues. Smurf is happy that Cruella and Dimples have met at last, and chirps around them like a particularly infuriating bird. Cruella insists that Smurf goes home with her for an important talk, but can't get the words out. Smurf assumes that Cruella wants to talk to her about Dimples' allegedly jewel-thieving past, and claims to know everything. She's saved from revelations about her mother's horizontal tango sessions with Dimples by Bette, blasting in through the door in a blaze of red and orange, and announcing to all and sundry that Elaine has been arrested for Dead Boy's murder, meaning trouble with a capital Troub.

Casey and Martial Law, Martial Law and Wei Li, yadda yadda yadda, who cares. Oh yeah. Nobody. Even Paula is more interesting. She's fussing around her mother, and trying to get her a paisley and chintz cell with matching sofas. Half of the Beach is dropping by to visit Elaine, and Thickardo manages to let on to the Press that Annie is still alive. Eventually Cruella and Bette turn up, insisting that they both killed Del instead. Cue more staring.

And Thickardo goes around to tell Annie that it's safe to come out now, only for Annie to panic at the sight of him and run. TGO and Thickardo glower at each other, then Thickardo leaves a police radio with Ben, and goes off to search. Um... are we really not supposed to notice that Ben's clothes have changed during the course of a walk to and from Meg's house?! Annie scarpers onto the pier, where a policeman sees her and comes over to talk. She panics and pushes him into the sea, then runs off. TGO hears about the manic woman and the airborne (and sinking) policeman on the radio, and dashes off in pursuit. There's jangly music. And Smeg squeakage. And a gargling policeman.

**********

Thursday 23/12

Martial Law wonders if she should take the job in Frisco. Wei Li tries to browbeat her into doing so. The producers mistakenly believe that we care. Meanwhile, at the police station, Cruella and Bette fail dismally in their attempt to make the police believe that they killed Del. They spout excuses for their peculiarly in depth knowledge of various goings-on, doing the most astonishingly unconvincing innocent act ever. Feeling bad about having helped Del steal Cole from Elaine in the first place, they are trying to help her now, whilst simultaneously covering their own tracks and working out how much everybody else knows - and it's all too much for Cruella's poor little overtaxed brain. Bette battles bravely on, though. Elaine smiles her saintly smile, and completely fails to suspect their involvement. Pillock.

Going crazy about her mother's determination to prove her own guilt, Paula decides that it's time to get the rest of the family involved. She heads off to scan the beach for Cole, and drags him off to talk to the scary, sniffly stranger lady in the cage - who would be his mother of course, though nobody has as yet bothered to tell him that. He stares at her through the bars, trying to work out why the hell he's been brought to prison to talk to the Waffleless Waffle Lady, who's spent the last few months flirting with him and staring endlessly at his picture. She sobs all over him. He tries to smile on regardless, as his dimples are his only weapon.

And out on the pier, Annie finally discovers that her brilliant disguise of a thick anorak on a hot day isn't working after all, and takes refuge from the policemen on top of a life guard tower. TGO races gallantly to the rescue when she can't see any further escape route, but inadvertently startles her so much in the process that she falls off. He grabs her, and spends much of the episode hauling her back up again. Then giggles. They snuggle happily until Smeg arrives, squeaking and being annoying. Poor Collagen decides that she knows the best way to get Ben's undivided attention, and energetically leaps off the roof. She falls into the sea. Lots of people look aghast. The music gets all overexcited. And Annie disappears from view with nary a bubble.

**********

Friday 24/12

Martial Law decides not to go with Wei Li! Wow! We care! So much! Plenty else is happening in Sunset Beach today though, most of it actually of interest, and most of it all in the same place.

Annie is floundering in the sea, and a panic-stricken Ben stares on in horror. Casey gets to her in time though, and pulls her onto the beach with Michael's help. TGO dashes over to help, and there's much glowering and hugging, and much not explaining of how come Annie is alive. They all take her off to the medical centre, where there's even more not explaining of how come she is alive. People gape and gasp, and the not explaining continues, which is nice, as usually we get everything explained twelve times at least. Bubblewrap merrily scribbles notes for the newspaper, even though she doesn't actually know what's going on either. Eventually Thickardo explains to Annie that Elaine Of The Waffleless Waffle Shop is really the killer of Dead Boy, and the action switches to the police station for the rest of the episode.

Elaine fails to tell Dimples who she is again, so he continues wondering why on Earth he's been drafted in to talk to the caged lady with the sniffling and the mother fixation. Eventually he leaves her alone, and she has a big confrontation with Annie, trying to explain that she had her reasons for doing what she did to Del. Back in the squad room TGO comes face to face with Eddie, and there are proto-scuffles, which Thickardo breaks up. This leads to more Ben manhandling, which we've already established is the SB Police Department's favourite pasttime, before TGO is chucked out under threat of imminent arrest. Thickardo then fires Eddie, and punches him almost convincingly. "Sunset Beach's Finest" then heads off to lock up Cruella and Bette, to teach them a lesson for trying to confuse the issue by confessing to murders all over the place. They fail to appreciate this gesture. Down the corridor, Eddie intercepts Annie looking for sympathy, and says within Cole's hearing that Ben has the Deschanel Jewels. Dimples heads off looking to break into the least secure house in California. Even he should manage that. Meanwhile, with Annie now able to move back to her own house, and no reason to continue the 'charade' of his relationship with Smeg, TGO bemoans the breaking up of his fan club. His harem is no more. Yes Ben. So dump Smeg now! Please!

**********

Monday 27/12

Bubblewrap is trying to write a story for the newspaper, all about Annie and Elaine and Cruella and Bette, but is hitting numerous obstacles. She only has herself to blame, as there would be far less people to continually interrupt her if she wasn't sitting in the foyer of the police station. Michael tries to stop her from writing about Elaine, thinking that she will prejudice a trial, but she growls at him. Greggie tries to stop her from writing about Cruella, but Michael growls at him. Then Bubblewrap growls at Michael. Michael wanders off and leaves Bubblewrap to her writing. She doesn't seem at all inclined to interview anybody, but since the police keep having their highly secret talks right in front of her, presumably she doesn't have to bother. Just about the only thing she isn't privy to is Elaine's confession, but since that involves endless flashbacks to scenes we've watched two hundred times already, she should consider herself lucky for that.

Elsewhere in the police station, Thickardo interviews Bette and Cruella, and tells them that he doesn't believe their confessions. He also doesn't believe that they're trying to get Elaine acquitted just through the kindness of their hearts. He suspects that they're feeling guilty about something, which of course they are. They're determined that nobody will ever find out about their involvement in the kidnapping of Elaine's son, but as soon as he's got them out of custody, and taken Cruella home, Greggie makes it perfectly clear that he intends to find out everything. Cruella tries to look innocent, but doesn't manage it in the slightest.

Also failing to look innocent is Dimples, interrupted by Caitlin as he cases Ben's house. She falls for his rubbish excuses though, and leaves him in peace to break into the place. He uses some odd gimmick to bypass the alarm, but clearly didn't need to, as Annie then arrives and doesn't bother turning anything off. With Ben's usual approach to security the alarm is probably never turned on. Closely following Annie is Bette, and Cole listens to them talking about the Deschanel Jewels. Annie says that she thinks Ben has them in his office at The Deep, so off scuttles Cole, and leaves Annie dreaming about finding the jewels for herself. Sooner or later, she feels, TGO will have an honesty attack and hand them in to the police - and then they will be given to Cruella as part of her inheritance from Del. Annie heaves sorry sighs, and Bette is sympathetic, but Dimples doesn't care. He's busy dancing around the beach planning dressing Caitlin up in the jewels. Each to their own...

**********

Tuesday 28/12

Michael and Bubblewrap go to visit Vixen Virginia, to hurry along her moving out of her old house. Michael asks Jimmy for a pen to fill in housing application forms, and Jimmy throws him his schoolbag, which contains crack cocaine. Michael flips out and runs off to accost the local drug dealer in his basketball court. There is glaring and a lack of anything threatening. Afterwards Michael decides that Virginia and Jimmy are moving in with him straight away. Bubblewrap looks doleful. Obviously she can see what the future has in store for her now.

Spawn moves back home from the hospital, bonds with Mark, and snuggles with Tiff and Spike. Greggie's nose resumes its exploding. Greggie tricks Olivia into telling him about Del kidnapping Elaine's baby, and she actually explains why she did it. Apparently it was for a ten thousand dollar payment that would allow her to move in the same social circles as Greggie. Greggie is absolutely shocked and horrified - then for some reason melts and starts tearing off Cruella's clothes. Fortunately he's disturbed by Smurf, who wants a heart to heart with her mother. Greggie's frustration is hilarious, as is the fact that Caitlin doesn't notice what she interrupted. They're both getting dressed, Smurf. In the middle of the day. Look at the expression on your father's face...

Oh, and Paula leaves Thickardo because he arrested Elaine, and Cole begins preparations for an assault on Ben's office at The Deep. For some reason he's seriously preparing. Dimples, dear, it's Ben's office. We're talking about a man who hasn't yet discovered what a key is for. Security really isn't an issue...

**********

Wednesday 29/12

Martial Law's parents have arrived, at Wei Li's instigation. Martial Law continually tries to tell them that she and Bungalow aren't really married, but keeps being distracted by talk of embarrassment, honour, and what a good and honest daughter she is. Eventually her parents tell her that they've rewritten their will to include Casey. Martial Law looks about ready to tear them both to pieces, and outside the door Wei Li sniggers happily.

Vixen Virginia has moved in with Michael, and Bubblewrap is trying not to be jealous. At the same time, Vixen Virginia's latent Vixeniness is coming to the fore, as she's beginning to realise that she is jealous too. She wants Michael to herself. Michael is all excited about the sleeping arrangements though, and pays no notice to the storylines building in the background. He's a happy bunny.

And over at The Deep everybody is trying to warn Meg of The Dangers Of Ben. Again. Tight Pants tells her that there's something wrong with TGO, and that she's the only person in town who can't see it. He's closely followed by Thickardo, who's come to pick up the Deschanel Jewels, but takes time out to say that he "feels it in his gut" that TGO is responsible for Maria's death. Yeah, but that could just be indigestion, Thickardo. Annie begs to be allowed to keep the jewels, but Thickardo stands firm about taking them. Ben goes off to his office only to find a masked Dimples in the process of stealing them. Dimples thinks he's tough enough to take on the mighty Brood Machine, and gets severely duffed up in the process. He eventually jumps through a window and makes his escape, but when Thickardo gets to Ben and finds the jewels gone, he assumes that Ben set the robbery up himself. Yes, Thickardo it's true. Ben really is guilty of everything that's ever happened anywhere ever. Oh well. I suppose it's nice to have an obsession...

**********

Thursday 30/12

Martial Law finally manages to tell her parents the truth about her and Casey. They're not wildly delighted, and as Wei Li giggles outside the door, they tell Rae to go back with them to San Francisco or she'll no longer be their daughter. She chooses to stay in Sunset Beach, and cries when they walk out and leave.

In the grotto Dimples has collapsed in Caitlin's arms, with bits of glass sticking out all over the place. He tells her what happened, and she tries to patch him up with bits of towel and sheet nicked from his hotel room. He's all quivery, and well daubed with the SB make-up department's best sweat appliqué. Caitlin wants to get paramedics and doctors and surgeons, but Dimples just wants to lie in the grotto and quiver.

And back at The Deep, Thickardo is still accusing TGO of every crime ever. Ben manages to prove his innocence for now by showing that the jewels are actually still in the safe, although how Dimples managed to leave them behind is anybody's guess. Thickardo decides to go off and arrest Eddie instead, and whilst Ben takes Annie home, Smeg and Tight Pants have another of their "Ben is dangerous, oh no he isn't," conversations. Smeg decides that she has to talk to Ben, and she and Tim follow him, arriving just in time to hear him and Annie having an argument in her front room. Ben is furious with Annie for having been up to things with Eddie, and she retaliates by making a crack about Maria, and the locked and secret room in Ben's house. Ben walks out on her, leaving Annie all alone and worried that she's lost him forever. Smeg follows TGO to his place, trying to talk to him about why he thinks he's so dangerous, but he just stares into space, and at the painting of Maria, and looks all sad and broody. Eventually she walks out, and leaves him there alone. She seems to think that she's made progress, but Ben just looks all lost.

**********

Friday 31/12

It's Nothing Day in Sunset Beach. Cole thrashes around in the grotto, hallucinating and muttering. Cruella arrives to talk to him, then hides when Caitlin comes back bearing chicken soup and bandages. Cole moans and groans and wriggles. He is not a happy bunny.

Also not a happy bunny is Thickardo, who is still doing rather badly in his relationship with Paula. Elaine tries to tell Paula that he was only doing his job by arresting her, and that she deserved it anyway, but Paula doesn't want to listen. She glowers and pouts a lot. Gobby hangs about in the background, looking like she can't decide whether or not to be glad about all the unrest. She makes the time for her daily half-hearted attempt at seducing Thickardo, and he does his usual half-glowery, impatient rebuttal. So there's not much happening there either.

And Eddie gets let out of jail, after confessing to Elaine about being responsible for her unmasking as the Great Sunset Beach Murderer. She snaps at him about how unforgiveable his behaviour has been, apparently forgetting that she's just murdered a guy, as well as let his innocent daughter take the rap for it, and to all appearances die a horrible death whilst trying to escape custody. You know, Elaine, Eddie finding out that it was you what done it kinda pales in comparison to all of that. Later Elaine gets taken to her first court hearing, and at this point I really must object. Annie goes to court in an orange jumpsuit (and returns in a straitjacket). Ben gets violently dragged off to (and back from) court in handcuffs by Eddie, The Sunset Beach Hero Hauler. Elaine, on the other hand, gets a new dress and a cuddle. Favouritism or what?!

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Episode Guide - Part One

Episode Guide - Part Three

Episode Guide - Part Four

Episode Guide Part Five

Beach Goers' Guide

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